“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.”-Psalm 42
As I look through my notes throughout the past year, I came across a sermon on Psalm 42. The preacher ask us to take out a section of the verse and replace it with something we place above God.
“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for____.”
What do I place above God in my current stage of life?
The list is currently pretty long at the moment. I seem to place pretty much everything before God. I place my time, energy, people, experiences, career, baking, laundry, eating….the list could go on. All these things have a common denominator. They all cause me to be busy. I am a sucker for busyness. I hate having downtime. I plan my days, weeks and months away. I don’t factor in precious time with my Lord and Savior. My busyness covers up other sins that I apparently don’t feel like dealing with.
I try to be busy and cover up my pride. My pride has gotten worse since I have had a child. I don’t want to ask for help from family. I don’t want to be one of those parents that pawn their children off on family all the time. I want to prove to my family I am capable. I want to prove to them I don’t have to be co-dependant on them. I don’t want to look like a failure. I don’t want anyone to have the power and the reason to boast to others that they helped me. I can be so foolish. God placed a community of people to help me out when I need it. I should take this to my advantage.
I try to be busy and cover up my anxiety and fear. My fear has gotten worse since I had a child. I work for the court system, so I hear terrifying things everyday. I fear that something bad will happen. I fear that I won’t be a good enough wife and mother. I fear that I will place to much expectation on my child. I get anxious about finances and career choices. Why do I fear anything? God has always came through and always will. I easily forget his promises and His answered prayers.
I try to be busy and cover up my resentment. I have a lot of family issues that I need to deal with. I have had bad experiences happen to me as a child that I essentially blame my family for. I don’t feel like dealing with it and honestly don’t know how to.
I try to be busy and cover up my hurt. I don’t speak my true feelings sometimes. I bottle my feelings up, which causes more anxiety and resentment. I think my hurt is no big deal and it will eventually blow over. I don’t recognize that I am allowed to have feelings and am allowed to express them.
It seems to be a never ending cycle of sin.
The crazy thing is that when I was on maternity leave a couple months ago, I had a lot of time to sit and think. Pride, anxiety, fear and hurt were all brought up. Past wombs from childhood and beyond came to the surface. I didn’t have a 5 page checklist to check off. I didn’t have tons of events to attend. My job was to take care of my child. I would sit at home while taking care of my baby, obsessing over these sins. I need to start dealing with them. I need to start repenting to God. I place so many things before God it is embarrassing. God deserves my entire life. He deserves to be my first priority. My goal is to let God start taking away these sins and start removing them from my life.