What controls you?

Sunday at church, the sermon really impacted me.  The questions our pastor asked were remarkably close to what I have been feeling this week.

As you know, I struggle with a constant battle or should I say war.  Anxiety and stress are my worst enemy.  Thinking and analyzing our at the core of my existence.  Down time and reflection are a need in my life.  This need is what keeps me sane.  It keeps me from drowning in the sea of emotion I feel.  When I haven’t taken time to relax and unwind, the pressure starts to build.  It is like a pipe that holds to much, then finally burst open revealing all the gunk that was inside.  I feel my anxiety building.  It releases into panic attacks, obsession and stress.  The slightest trigger can lead me into a state of emergency.

The sermon was about “What controls us?”  Unfortunately, I can’t speak of how well I handle this topic.  God is supposed to be the Supreme Ruler of my life.  My life does not display this everlasting concept.  He hit three points: Comfort and Convenience, Power and Control, People and Perception.  I struggle with all of these notions, but power and control are a constant fight.  I have been called a “control freak” more times then I would like to admit.  If a situation happens and it is not planned, I get highly agitated.  I can’t think clearly and become discombobulated.  Control and perfectionism are closely related traits.  Perfectionism takes a hold of me and becomes an obsession.  The conditions have to be perfect for me to thrive or have a good time.  If something is “off kilter” I can’t focus or let is go.  Control and perfectionism is a hard battle to fight alone.  It drains your sense of self and who you are.

The pastor used the analogy of a human and an ant.  A human is vast and mighty compared to an ant.  A human can squish an ant in a matter of a second. Let’s take a different perspective on this analogy. It places us as the ant and God as the human.  It is so demeaning to God to think we have all control and power.  God can do anything He wants to do in our lives.  He has the power to change us, He has the power to mold us and He has the power to make us.

I do not need to fight this battle alone.  God can take away my controlling tendencies and perfectionist traits.  He can heal me of my anxiety.

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