I started school back up this past winter and have been focused on school this summer too. I have been going to school full time and working full time, so it has been a bit overwhelming at times. I think I get overwhelmed because people in my life do not realize how important this is to me. When you have a goal in mind, you have to start saying no to things to achieve the goal. There are literally not enough hours in the day to make time for everything.
I am very passionate about becoming a lawyer. I feel that God has opened my eyes wide open to this journey. Everyday, He seems to place a person or situation in my life that reinterates this goal of mine. I want to point out that family and friends are VERY important, but when God is leading you FOLLOW HIM! There definitley has to be a balance in your life. I have learned the importance of balance this summer. I was so focused on school, I forgot about people and taking care of myself.
Well, back to my original topic. I feel like God has placed me on this earth to help people. People can help each other in many different ways. My journey is going to law school and helping people through that process. When you say lawyer, most people do not think that they help people. In my decade of experience in the law field, the majority of lawyers truly want to help people figure out their problems. People struggle and unfortunately lawyers are apart of that process. I am thankful for all the lawyers that I come into contact with that look at the big picture. They realize people need help and this is an avenue to help them. I see people everyday that struggle and I want to help them so terribly bad. These people need guidance and direction.
Sometimes, I get aggravated with my family because I don’t think they see the world as it really is. There are people dying of heroin everyday. There are people that are living on the streets. There are masses of children who don’t have parents who care for them. I wouldn’t say I see the worst of society, but I definitely see my fair share of negativity. Some of my family ask, why do you want to be stressed out all the time or why would you want to help a heroin addict? My respone to them, is why wouldn’t you want to help someone that doesn’t have the same opportunities that we have. God has placed us on this earth to help the oppressed. I am not saying that everyone needs to quit their jobs and go work at a food bank, but we all have a part in something bigger than us.
I guess I get aggravated when people in my life do not have the same mind set as me. I am sick and tired of people wanting to live inside a comfort zone. It is okay to be comfortable during seasons in your life. Real personal growth comes with pushing out of your comfort zone and trying something new. People have so much potential in their life, especially with the powerful hand of God but they do not utilize this.
Sorry went on a bit of a rant today. I have been holding that in for awhile. 🙂
As I mentioned in my last post, the sermon impacted me to a great extent this week. I talked about my hardest struggle, power and control. In a close second place, people and perception are another struggle I deal with.
Thinking about others perception of you is a constant factor in most of our lives. We are continuosly thinking about what others think of us. This is also a heightened trait in my personality. As a child, I felt like I was constantly being judged and percieved negatively. I always had to give a reason for how I acted, good or bad. I also do not like conflict. I stray as far as I can from any drama or conflict.
Why do we define our worth from anyone other than God? God is the Supreme Power and is the only one truly worthy of this title. Giving someone the power of your worth places much pressure on that person. I know several people that place their life in the hands of what others do. This places a lot of pressure on those people to make that person happy. It is very exhausting.
Ephesians 2: 8-9 come to mind. “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God. Not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.”
We are not here to impress others or even impress God. We are saved through faith, not our works. This is something that I need to keep in mind everyday.
Sunday at church, the sermon really impacted me. The questions our pastor asked were remarkably close to what I have been feeling this week.
As you know, I struggle with a constant battle or should I say war. Anxiety and stress are my worst enemy. Thinking and analyzing our at the core of my existence. Down time and reflection are a need in my life. This need is what keeps me sane. It keeps me from drowning in the sea of emotion I feel. When I haven’t taken time to relax and unwind, the pressure starts to build. It is like a pipe that holds to much, then finally burst open revealing all the gunk that was inside. I feel my anxiety building. It releases into panic attacks, obsession and stress. The slightest trigger can lead me into a state of emergency.
The sermon was about “What controls us?” Unfortunately, I can’t speak of how well I handle this topic. God is supposed to be the Supreme Ruler of my life. My life does not display this everlasting concept. He hit three points: Comfort and Convenience, Power and Control, People and Perception. I struggle with all of these notions, but power and control are a constant fight. I have been called a “control freak” more times then I would like to admit. If a situation happens and it is not planned, I get highly agitated. I can’t think clearly and become discombobulated. Control and perfectionism are closely related traits. Perfectionism takes a hold of me and becomes an obsession. The conditions have to be perfect for me to thrive or have a good time. If something is “off kilter” I can’t focus or let is go. Control and perfectionism is a hard battle to fight alone. It drains your sense of self and who you are.
The pastor used the analogy of a human and an ant. A human is vast and mighty compared to an ant. A human can squish an ant in a matter of a second. Let’s take a different perspective on this analogy. It places us as the ant and God as the human. It is so demeaning to God to think we have all control and power. God can do anything He wants to do in our lives. He has the power to change us, He has the power to mold us and He has the power to make us.
I do not need to fight this battle alone. God can take away my controlling tendencies and perfectionist traits. He can heal me of my anxiety.
Do you ever feel like you are in a movie? I am listening to “indie classical.” I didn’t know this genre even existed until a couple days ago. Classical music is beautiful. You get to hear instruments at their very essence. The strum of a guitar or the key of the piano. My personal favorite is the violin. The gentleness and power the bow of a violin resonates overwhelms my soul. I feel like my senses are heightened. My touch is soft and delicate, but still hard enough to bring my thoughts onto this page. I am looking at the computer screen reflecting on how beautiful life is and how blessed I am. I look outside, it quit raining but the world still has that sense of eeriness. The sky is cloudy, but a beautiful reflection of colors. Deep blue, pink and orange fill the sky with dusk about to take over the day. I feel like the stress and anxiety are slipping away into these simple parts of life. It is easy to forget and disregard the effortless attributes everyday brings. Thankfully, at this instance I am appreciating those very attributes I forgot. The calmness and tranquility it brings me are quite astounding compared to how I have been handling my hectic life lately. We all need to stop and breathe the simplicity life hands you.