Pslam 27: 14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage and he shall strengthen thine heart, I say, on the Lord.
Here we go again, the worry wart and the control freak resurface. Why do I ge anxious about anything??! Why do I keep falling into the trap of anxiety again. It is an endless cycle.
I work in the court system, where I see family cycles of violence, destruction and negativity. Yes I might have my life in order to an extent, but what makes my family cycle any different from those people I see everyday. Someone has to break the cycle eventually and I am hoping it ends with me. I do not want my anxiety to linger into my family once again when I have children.
I don’t understand why I keep falling back into this cycle. It doesn’t matter if times are good or bad. I try to constantly control things. I don’t trust in God fully when I do this. Once God answers a prayer, I start overanalyzing the situation and plan in my head the outcome it should be. I place myself in this box and cannot see any other way that things can happen.
For example, I started school back up this semester and started a new job. It has been a stressful, but exciting couple of months. I had a minor breakdown a couple weeks ago, afraid that I couldn’t handle school and work. If I couldn’t handle it now, how could I handle when I take on more classes and law school. My husband then brought me back to reality and told me to let God handle it. He told me that things could change by the time I get to law school. Maybe he will get a better job so I don’t have to work, maybe I will get a scholarship or maybe I will change my mind in the next year.
We are also thinking about starting a family soon and that caused me to stress out even more. I want to go to school, but I don’t really want to wait much longer to start a family. It is very hard for me to seperate those two things. It’s almost either or in my eyes. My original plan was I will go to school, then start a family once I am done. But then I started thinking once I get out of law school, I will probably be starting a new job-so I am sure I will want to wait a bit longer after that. We have been told many times there is no perfect time to start to have children. Once you feel like you are ready, you need to go for it otherwise you will keep “waiting” on the perfect time and it will never happen. My husband then again brought me back down from the anxiety train and told me to let God take care of it. If we are supposed to have children soon, God will handle the rest. He will get me through law school one way or the other-as long as that is my path. I am very blessed to have a man in my life that places his priority in God first. He lets God take control of the decisions in his life. I need to start doing the same.
I am by nature a planner, that is the way God has designed me. It is definitly okay to plan your goals, but it doesn’t need to debilitate you. Life never happens the way you plan it to. When God gives you an opportunity, you need to go for it and see where God will take you. Don’t stay in a box, you not only limit yourself you are limiting God. And why would you limit God, He can make the imposible-POSSIBLE!